Sunday, December 31, 2006


its the self inventory that i dread.and the constant changing that you sweep into my life.
i really need some sun right about now.
and these pants are fitting a bit weeeeeeeeee too tight.
and i dont understand you. i really just dont. i cant fathom your plans.
i know i know. (duh).

rules, restrictions. dont live in the past but dont repeat it.
ok theres one.
promote yourself and God'll humble you.
humble yourself and God'll promote you.
and its these things i see in all these people that i hate and i'm becoming that person.
and i hate it.
change it, kel. its always about the change.
i just need a fix. a gigantic. heart. fix.
and oh a mind fix.
and its the sensitivity. and all these other things i can completly blame it on but theres no need.
and its so simple to just forget the most simplest things. like look to him
but then it gets so complex because it goes so much more farther than just "looking to him" because looking to him means you not only have to look, but you have to be humble enough to admit you have to change, to actually go, and then to continue to do that entire humble process. again and again and again.
and so its not just look.
because we all know that when we get alone
you and me
one of us always changes and well you dont.
Lord, fix me. heal me, i know i'm broken and i just want to be healed and not healed in a way that tares other people down during the process, but healed in the way that only looks to you and is only concentrated on you and praising you and blessing you. not on others but only loves others in the way that you do.
and i want to understand Oh i want to understand so much. so much more about you. and to get it right. to actually get it right. not to be perfect but Lord i hate this season of admittance. of admitting i dont have it all under control, that i'm actually out of it and i only need you. i dont understand everything and i dont have it all together either and realizing i only need to be more gracious to others, to you, and to myself.
the past is the past and theres nothing ican do about it the only thing i can do is right here, right now.
humble me, father. break me down for only you. purify my heart Lord that its only desire is to serve you.
i live to love you. make those words true. in every sense, living to love only you.


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