Sunday, December 31, 2006


its the self inventory that i dread.and the constant changing that you sweep into my life.
i really need some sun right about now.
and these pants are fitting a bit weeeeeeeeee too tight.
and i dont understand you. i really just dont. i cant fathom your plans.
i know i know. (duh).

rules, restrictions. dont live in the past but dont repeat it.
ok theres one.
promote yourself and God'll humble you.
humble yourself and God'll promote you.
and its these things i see in all these people that i hate and i'm becoming that person.
and i hate it.
change it, kel. its always about the change.
i just need a fix. a gigantic. heart. fix.
and oh a mind fix.
and its the sensitivity. and all these other things i can completly blame it on but theres no need.
and its so simple to just forget the most simplest things. like look to him
but then it gets so complex because it goes so much more farther than just "looking to him" because looking to him means you not only have to look, but you have to be humble enough to admit you have to change, to actually go, and then to continue to do that entire humble process. again and again and again.
and so its not just look.
because we all know that when we get alone
you and me
one of us always changes and well you dont.
Lord, fix me. heal me, i know i'm broken and i just want to be healed and not healed in a way that tares other people down during the process, but healed in the way that only looks to you and is only concentrated on you and praising you and blessing you. not on others but only loves others in the way that you do.
and i want to understand Oh i want to understand so much. so much more about you. and to get it right. to actually get it right. not to be perfect but Lord i hate this season of admittance. of admitting i dont have it all under control, that i'm actually out of it and i only need you. i dont understand everything and i dont have it all together either and realizing i only need to be more gracious to others, to you, and to myself.
the past is the past and theres nothing ican do about it the only thing i can do is right here, right now.
humble me, father. break me down for only you. purify my heart Lord that its only desire is to serve you.
i live to love you. make those words true. in every sense, living to love only you.

Tuesday, December 19, 2006

the formula for life

is to completly and constantly surrender. theres not really much more of a formula than that. no secret that one person holds and is waiting to tell us, to make it a bit easier. to make it go a little more smoothly or faster.
i absouletly am swallowing this up
from "searching for God knows what"

"because life is complex, and the idea you can break it down, or fix it in a few steps is rather silly. the truth is there are a million steps, and we dont even know what the steps are and, worse, at any given moment we may not be willing or even able to take them and still worse they are different for you and me and they are always changing. i have come to believe the sooner we find this truth beautiful, the sooner we will fall in love with God on His terms, who keeps shaking things up, keeps changing the path, keeps rocking the boat to test our faith in him, teaching us not to rely on easy answers, bullet points, magic mantras or genies in lamps, but rather on His guidance, His existence, His mercy and His love."

Sunday, December 10, 2006

sometimes all you can say is


its these up and downs.

the realizations of who you are.
and then the realization of my failures, of how little i am, of my dirt built up inside of me.
blinding me from your goodness. trying to get to where you have planned. this wasnt part of it. this time, this spot right here it is.
these emotions, those distractions. you will use it for the better help me understand the difference i know you dont want your children feeling this,
i live for those times of sitting on top of the stairs in this office. knowing you're higher. but you've met me.
right here,
as is.
loving every part of it.
as i hand over to you all of me, all i've gathered. you eagerly take it, so graciously. so lovingly. so unlike me oh Father I want to be like you. desire.surrender. focus,
on you.
your heart.

and all i can say is hallelujah..